Today I came online on facebook to find this on a friend’s wall.
“You can spend minutes, hours, days, weeks, or even months over-analyzing a situation; trying to put the pieces together, justifying what could’ve, would’ve happened… or you can just leave the pieces on the floor and move the fuck on.” – Tupac
I feared the worst. After a spate of short relationships, she had found someone she thought was a soulmate, and it had seemed to me too. It was not an obvious match in all traditional senses – yet, in all other ways, it seemed to me to be a mismatch made in heaven – just to fit the crazy bone she had and we all had when we let our hair down. It was a pity all the traditional attributes of a couple did not fit but what the heck! As days turned to weeks, weeks turned to months, and months turned to year, I settled into thinking of them as the lasting couple. I was happy for her and planned for the time when we are all old and meet up.
I hoped for a general lighthearted “shared a quote based on past experiences” responses from her. Yet it was not to be.
Yet another friend had a break up recently – this was very short term. She had just met the person and everything was over even before I came to know about it five days later. She was confused. He said that there was nothing – “you just misinterpreted my friendliness”. She had just recovered from another break up.
Yet another friend is debating whether to break up from her longtime boyfriend or not after breaking up once before from the same person. “Why are relationships so complicated?” “Is it better to spend a whole life alone or spend it with someone you do not feel so deeply in love with or with a person you love a lot accepting that the feelings may not be reciprocated?”He had not taken the relationship to the next level for years.
Yet another friend breaks up with the partner the moment he starts getting close. She feels it is too soon and she has not understood that person well enough – “he is moving too soon”.
Being married to the first person I really fell in love with, it is difficult for me to comfort them or to answer their questions. I have not gone through these situations where I will be alone, without anyone, if things had not worked out between husband and me or if we had “split up”, I would have had an arranged marriage and moved on, I guess. Besides, in India at that time, one did not split up that easily – if we fell in love, we got married (unless parents did not agree and we did not have the courage to ride out this disagreement). So even as I try to wipe those tears of my friends away, I feel incapacitated to climb the cultural gap and reach out to lend the shoulders.
When I look at all the arranged marriages that flourish in India, even in the younger generation, I am grateful for the culture we are brought up in. This cultural aspect, in someway protects us and shields us from the numerous beatings I see my friends’ hearts take. Does it lower our expectations so much that we are happy with what we get and do we really learn to appreciate all that we have?
We find a spouse, it seems to work most of the time. However, at those times when it does not work, it also puts a lot of pressure to make it work until it breaks you – by which time it is too late to start over again because you have become weary about relationships or because you feel it is too late to start all over again.
Many times, I sit in my snug tower and wonder whether it is worth all the effort – why do we not learn to be independent from all these strings? In my vantage, secure position, again I feel like a misfit to ask that question to anyone. Suddenly the question arises – surrounded by people in “heart-break” situations, suddenly I find that I am the misfit – unqualified to advice anyone: “You will not understand – you are secure with a loving husband”.